Obviously, there are lots of memories. It doesn’t seem right to have a favorite one though. Sure, some of them stood out more than others, but the time spent with all of them taught me about the good and bad in this world and that no matter what I thought I couldn’t have them all. The few that got away humbled me. The few that failed hurt me. The countless others that never got a chance left me thinking. Nonetheless, my job was to hear their stories and make a decision. If someone kept my full attention for an entire hour it didn’t necessarily mean they would be chosen—“time in chair” was not a contributing factor. I was often repulsed by the smells of my company. Rarely for foul odors, just for aromatic stimulation that distracted my brain from working as efficiently as it could. Perfumes, colognes, aftershaves, lotions, shampoos, and even fabric softener derailed my thinking. It’s as if I needed to offer them the advice prior to our first face to face meeting about how to smell or how not click their pens or answer their phones. Other inconsistencies that made it impossibly difficult to take people seriously were tardiness, a lack of confidence, poor communication, disingenuousness, and did I mention the perfume. Catching people in a lie was disappointing. Explaining my expectations and seeing the fleeting enthusiasm leave their skin pale and clammy was a letdown as well. You are not selling me, I’m buying you! I can recall one stretch of time when it was particularly tough. For 40 straight days I watched set after set of desirous lips spew self-centered propaganda at me as I trained myself to actually care. If they weren’t what I wanted I ended it quick and painlessly. I sent them on their unsuspecting way—“Don’t call us, we’ll call you”. Life is tough enough with those you love. Spending your precious finite time with someone who doesn’t at least seem to care is a bit deflating, don’t you think? That’s why I forced myself to smile and nod. And as a courteous final test I gave them a chance to quiz the quizzer. I yearned to be exposed and tested in those final vulnerable moments. Overwhelmingly, the masses infrequently took the opportunity to reciprocate. They were willing to change their life for me and they didn’t have one single question. Impossible! It’s the equivalent of getting married without knowing your bride’s middle name or her favorite color! For God’s sake why didn’t more of them just ask a question. No one is exempt from extreme boredom, not even me. Once I asked someone which of the NSYNC members they wished they could be. Timberlake is the apparent leader, Joey Fatone was clearly the workhorse, Lance Bass represents growing diversity, and the other 2 dudes are, well, who gives a shit. Creatively I pushed the envelope of what the law allowed me to do. The law says nothing about overstating simple phases, asking leading questions, or sitting in silence knowing that its uncomfortableness will be broken with invaluable information that I will use to my advantage. My life existed to research, sit, listen, interpret, discern. Don’t be nervous I told them, it’s just an interview. Without me, no one would ever have been chosen.
Remember, no matter how tough it gets, Every One Counts!
Post Script- This was Satire!